A ten year study from The Ohio State University has found that allowing food to touch the shiny side of aluminum foil may contribute to one’s likelihood to contract the gluten intolerance known as celiac disease.

The study included over 300 test subjects across all categories, and found that 61% of subjects who allowed the shiny side of their foil to touch contracted the disease, compared to 17% of subjects who strictly avoided food touching the shiny side.

These results were not respective of family history and other medical risks, and researchers are baffled at the clarity of the results.

“There should be no reason that the shiny side had anything to do with celiac,” University Studies spokesperson Jeremy Wheat said.  “But that’s what makes this type of science so great is its ability to surprise us.”

Pharmaceutical companies Pfizer, Merck, and Novartis are all rushing to market what is being called a “shiny side vaccine” that is to be administered to children in utero to protect them against the dangers of 50% of all aluminum foil produced.  Vaccination records must be current before the due date, or doctors may refuse to deliver babies.

This is the biggest news in celiac disease since its 2014 invention and popularity spike causing a “gluten-free” craze known best as a first world problem.


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