Police in Fairbanks, AK found this morning a most unfortunate sight. Santa Claus, a 237-year old elf of the North Pole, lying dead at the base of a mountain. He is survived by his wife Kat, and sons, Thomas Rex and Barry.
Toxicology reports show a presence of the drug, caffeine in Santa’s system, presumably from copious amounts of coffee consumed during a 49 hour trip circumnavigating the world. He had more than twice the legal limit of coffee in his system, when he suffered crippling and debilitating withdrawals and fell over 65,000 feet from of his sleigh to his death.
Santa was just returning home when the unfortunate catastrophe occurred. His last stop was in American Samoa, and he almost made it back to N.P. when he things started to go wrong. His last drop of coffee was consumed just before reaching the United States, where an impending coffee shortage is driving costs of the bean beverage through the roof. The incident occurred about 8 hours later, at 4:32AM local time.
“What made the withdrawal so dangerous,” Fairbanks Coroner, Rainn Deere said, “was the amount Mr. Claus had consumed. The legal limit is 38 gallons per day, but since the trip lasted 49 hours without actually changing dates, he had over 70 gallons of the fluid, which proved to be fatal.”
If there’s any silver lining to this story, it’s that it happened after a successful run of the holiday commonly referred to as Christmas, so no good child went without receiving a gift. Kat, T. Rex, and Barry will be evicted as soon as a replacement for Mr. Claus can be found.