If you thought there was no way 2017 could be worse than the previous year, think again.

Yields for coffee crop in three of the top five coffee producing countries are way down, approximately 28% below expectations, about 7,000,000 fewer tons of the world’s most addictive bean than last year.

This means that your next cup of Joe will likely cost upwards of $10, and is leaving many reeling and frantically trying to feed their stimulant addiction on the cheap.

“Fortunately, most Americans can get by with a daily ounce of crack cocaine instead of their coffee addiction,” DEA Administrator Chuck Rosenburg said.  “It’s surprisingly less harmful than toxins like Mucic Acid and Gossypol, which are both in a common cup of coffee, and it still costs about 2 bucks.”

A House bill was passed with overwhelming bipartisan support last week to decriminalize use of crack cocaine for purposes of a morning jolt, and the measure is expected to pass in the Senate next week.

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